Our Freefall

This has been the hardest week of my life.  In August we learned that we would be expecting a baby this spring.  While I had always wanted four, after having our third we felt pretty content with our sweet boys.  We settled into our life as a family of five.  After having three children all 21 and 23 months apart, we felt we were probably done growing our family.

It was with great joy we realized we would be expecting a fourth blessing seven years after having our third.  Our busy life continued on through September.  From working to shuffling children to practices and games, the nearly nine weeks of the pregnancy went along well. 

On Friday, September 23rd we shared with the boys that we would be expecting a new baby.  They were so excited.  Being number 4, I was already starting to have a little bump and was planning on sharing with work the following week (this week).  The entire weekend the boys talked about the baby.  Monday morning Davis couldn't wait to share the news with his entire class.  Ethan decided to wait until Tuesday.  Colin was not quite as excited, and feared losing his place as the "baby" of the family, telling us that he would "put the baby in a yard sale."

Tuesday morning, Robert and I went to the doctor for a regularly scheduled appointment.  We were giddy with excitement to see our baby and to hear that sweet heartbeat.  As I laid there staring at the ultrasound and hearing nothing my heart sank.  It was the worst feeling ever.  As I stared at the screen of what I knew was a lifeless baby, the technician said the baby was measuring only 6 weeks 4 days, and while I knew it, I asked "is there a heartbeat?"  To which she replied, "no". 

The next few minutes were spent holding it together, and trying to tell Rob that we had lost the baby as I sat there in disbelief myself.  The technician told us that we wouldn't have to go back out and that we would go straight to a room.  Someone I never met, who had been scheduled to see us that day came in and gave us the three options as I had experienced a "missed abortion".  I cannot get past this term.  It hurts so much to even think of it.  We left that room knowing that we had three options to ultimately clear my body of the pregnancy which had ended over two weeks prior without my body seemingly acknowledging it. 

Tuesday was hell on Earth.  I called my mom, we told the handful of friends that knew, and at 2:24 Ethan got off the bus.  As he left his friends yelled out, "congratulations!"  He ran up to me with a present.  A paper wrapped with a picture of him and the baby, along with the baby's name as he was so excited to be able to hold what he thought would be a brother.  I took him inside, and along with Rob told him the horrible truth.  He fell apart, we held our 93 pound boy as he cried. 

Davis and Colin got home at about 3.  Davis knew we had an appointment and was so excited that he ran home to see a picture of the baby.  He was convinced he was going to have a sister when we had to tell him and Colin the news.  Like Ethan, Davis fell into our arms crying hysterically.  He asked me how a baby who had not been born yet could die?  I knew I didn't have answers.  I had to tell him I don't know why things like this happen, but I know God is somewhere in the situation. 

After getting the kids to school on Wednesday morning, we went in for the D&C.  It was the second day of the free fall.  I wasn't prepared to fill out vital records information about our baby.  I wasn't prepared to tell them what to do with our baby's remains.  I wasn't prepared for any of it.  I still wasn't past the term abortion.  The process of a D&C scared me and was not something I was (or am) comfortable with, but knew it was the best thing for me emotionally and physically. 

It is 6:00 Friday morning now.  I slept for nearly three hours last night.  I cry uncontrollably and while I know so many have been down this road it hurts.  I grieve and while I have moments that I feel like I have it all together, I have many more where I feel like I am waiting to hit the bottom. 

I am so grateful for the few that we told, as their texts, calls, flowers, and sweet treats have been a light in the darkness.  I know there is light and I hold on to the glimmers that exist right now.  I am grateful for three boys, busy schedules that keep us going, a husband that even in his grief has taken care of everything, and held me even though I know he is crumbling inside too.

Perfection and Loving Through the Mess

You can ask my husband, as a newly wed, I vacuumed at least twice a day.  We had no children to make messes yet, but I needed everything perfect.  11 years later some of my need for perfection has diminished, but not as much as I would like.

We are in a messy phase of life.  After eight years back in my hometown we are moving back to Richmond, VA.  We love Richmond.  Deep in my heart it has always felt like home, it is where we lived when we were married, where we became parents, and where we felt like our life fell apart eight years ago.  Through some tough years, the birth of two more little boys, and me finally finishing my masters degree we created a life together in my hometown.   My husband has worked at the same company here for eight years, I have worked in the same church for seven years, and as of last year began teaching at the preschool where our oldest began attending seven years ago (only to be followed by his younger brothers).  This small town is so much a part of who we are; the friends that we have here have became family.

Now I sit in the midst of a mess.  The dining room table has moved to the living room while I stack boxes and extra chairs in the dining room, the play room has been cleaned out so that I have more room to stack boxes, and we are trying to tie up loose ends at our jobs.  It is chaos!!!  Add all of our baggage to the fact that we have three elementary aged children that will be leaving the only town they remember (or have ever known).... well I am sure you get the picture.

First off, I am amazed at all of those who up and move every two or three years for transfers.  You are impressive and I could use some lessons on how to do it gracefully.  We plan on moving to Richmond and staying for a very long time (at the very least until the kids are grown).  I don't know how you stay sane and move a family.  I have been doing much better than in the previous couple of weeks, or so I thought until this afternoon when my nine year old became the recipient of my own quest for perfection in the midst of chaos.

Sparing the details, I completely crushed his spirit.  This same sweet boy who I was bragging about on Facebook hours earlier, had tried his best to work on his social studies fair project that he is doing with one of his best friends and it did not look like I expected.  In a world where parents sometimes do more on the social studies fair project than the children, I immediately felt that this project that was clearly done by fourth graders would not get the same recognition as those immaculately done by parents.  I should of applauded the effort, and the fact that they wanted to do it themselves but I did not.  I typically wear a bracelet that says "Only Love Today", but today I did not and clearly needed the reminder.   Let this be a turning point.... this afternoon I slowed down.  My sweet boy and I sat down on the couch, we read together, we did his homework, and he asked if we could sit down together like this everyday.  Change and chaos go hand in hand, we decide to find the positive in change.  I hope that one of my positives in the midst of all of this includes a constant reminder to act intentionally and with only love. That would be perfection.

Way too long of an absence!

Okay, so it has been over a year since I posted.  A lot has happened and a lot has stayed the same.  I am now finishing up my first year of teaching preschool.  It has been a wonderful year where our entire family has had to adjust to a new normal.  Our crazy mornings are even crazier.  It has taken work to get kiddos ready and lunches made (Daddy has taken over the lunches part).  While this year has been full of challenges it has been wonderful!

My sweet baby is no longer such a baby and will be graduating from preschool within the next two weeks and I will finally graduate with my master's degree in Christian education.  I actually completed my work on it back in January, needless to say, I have enjoyed the break in school work.  While I have gotten a break from being a student, my little guys have kept on working.  My oldest two had wrote pieces that their gifted teacher submitted to a college journal published.  They both read at the college a few weeks ago and this week they were recognized by the school board.  I am amazed by their abilities in just the first and third grades and cannot wait to see what God has in store for them as they continue to grow!

"Red, White and Tuna"

Life has been a bit consumed yet again by a play.  Add that to the rushing between soccer practices, cub scouts, and church we have had a busy few months (which is really our norm now).  I will update more with pictures of the past few months, but for now I wanted to share these cute little treats I made for R to give the cast and crew of the play he is currently directing.  The play is set in Texas on Independence Day and I think these little creations seem entirely appropriate. 

Valentine's Day

We have had a wonderful Valentine's Day.  The boys made homemade Valentine's Day cards for their brothers, R, and myself.  They are precious.  

E had asked for the heart shaped pizza I make every year.  In all honesty, I only did it last year, but in the eyes of a seven year old, "that is the way we have always done it."  The boys and I spent part of the afternoon outside building a snowman, and then ended up having a snowball fight before we came inside for their hot chocolate.  The hubby is on another bout of the stomach virus.  It seems that we cannot get rid of colds and the stomach virus these past few weeks.  While I hate that he is sick, he did get to spend dinner with us and is going to settle in with us for a quiet evening.   

Valentine's Day is meant to be spent with those you love.  While R and I would of enjoyed escaping for a date night, we also enjoy our little evening in with the boys.  I am grateful that we can make their Valentine's special.  In a bit the boys will head to bed, and we will get our own date night at home.  While I know the days are long (some more so than others), the fact is the years are short.  In the coming years the boys will have other plans for Valentine's, so for now I am going to enjoy my little boys… heart shaped pizzas, homemade Valentines made with lego stickers, snowball fights and all.  

Polar Vortex Anyone??

I have lost count of how many snow days we have had this winter, but it is a lot.  Yesterday the boys were out for the impending storm.  It didn't snow until 2 p.m. so we had a lot of quality time, and since Daddy R had taken off work for D's birthday we had a nice family day.  However, the novelty of a birthday is gone, Daddy is at work, and we have a foot plus of snow outside.

This is the second snow day this year that I have not pushed the kids to get dressed.  C likes to wear normal clothes and that is good, but the older two love the idea of a pajama day.  After Daddy went to work we decided to venture outside.  Yes, that meant that we put our snow bibs on top of our pajamas and off we went.  It got a bit rough, and after a suggestion from a neighbor, our googles came out.  We do not own ski goggles, so the boys pulled out their swimming goggles.  We have now settled back in and the kids are warming with hot chocolate, hopefully later I can convince them to make snow cream.

I hope all of our friends along the east coast are doing just as well with this latest wintery blast.  In my attempt to be "hands free" I am off to spend some time with my boys.  Stay safe and warm!
 

A glimpse at D's official birthday

Now he is officially six!