This has been the hardest week of my life. In August we learned that we would be expecting a baby this spring. While I had always wanted four, after having our third we felt pretty content with our sweet boys. We settled into our life as a family of five. After having three children all 21 and 23 months apart, we felt we were probably done growing our family.
It was with great joy we realized we would be expecting a fourth blessing seven years after having our third. Our busy life continued on through September. From working to shuffling children to practices and games, the nearly nine weeks of the pregnancy went along well.
On Friday, September 23rd we shared with the boys that we would be expecting a new baby. They were so excited. Being number 4, I was already starting to have a little bump and was planning on sharing with work the following week (this week). The entire weekend the boys talked about the baby. Monday morning Davis couldn't wait to share the news with his entire class. Ethan decided to wait until Tuesday. Colin was not quite as excited, and feared losing his place as the "baby" of the family, telling us that he would "put the baby in a yard sale."
Tuesday morning, Robert and I went to the doctor for a regularly scheduled appointment. We were giddy with excitement to see our baby and to hear that sweet heartbeat. As I laid there staring at the ultrasound and hearing nothing my heart sank. It was the worst feeling ever. As I stared at the screen of what I knew was a lifeless baby, the technician said the baby was measuring only 6 weeks 4 days, and while I knew it, I asked "is there a heartbeat?" To which she replied, "no".
The next few minutes were spent holding it together, and trying to tell Rob that we had lost the baby as I sat there in disbelief myself. The technician told us that we wouldn't have to go back out and that we would go straight to a room. Someone I never met, who had been scheduled to see us that day came in and gave us the three options as I had experienced a "missed abortion". I cannot get past this term. It hurts so much to even think of it. We left that room knowing that we had three options to ultimately clear my body of the pregnancy which had ended over two weeks prior without my body seemingly acknowledging it.
Tuesday was hell on Earth. I called my mom, we told the handful of friends that knew, and at 2:24 Ethan got off the bus. As he left his friends yelled out, "congratulations!" He ran up to me with a present. A paper wrapped with a picture of him and the baby, along with the baby's name as he was so excited to be able to hold what he thought would be a brother. I took him inside, and along with Rob told him the horrible truth. He fell apart, we held our 93 pound boy as he cried.
Davis and Colin got home at about 3. Davis knew we had an appointment and was so excited that he ran home to see a picture of the baby. He was convinced he was going to have a sister when we had to tell him and Colin the news. Like Ethan, Davis fell into our arms crying hysterically. He asked me how a baby who had not been born yet could die? I knew I didn't have answers. I had to tell him I don't know why things like this happen, but I know God is somewhere in the situation.
After getting the kids to school on Wednesday morning, we went in for the D&C. It was the second day of the free fall. I wasn't prepared to fill out vital records information about our baby. I wasn't prepared to tell them what to do with our baby's remains. I wasn't prepared for any of it. I still wasn't past the term abortion. The process of a D&C scared me and was not something I was (or am) comfortable with, but knew it was the best thing for me emotionally and physically.
It is 6:00 Friday morning now. I slept for nearly three hours last night. I cry uncontrollably and while I know so many have been down this road it hurts. I grieve and while I have moments that I feel like I have it all together, I have many more where I feel like I am waiting to hit the bottom.
I am so grateful for the few that we told, as their texts, calls, flowers, and sweet treats have been a light in the darkness. I know there is light and I hold on to the glimmers that exist right now. I am grateful for three boys, busy schedules that keep us going, a husband that even in his grief has taken care of everything, and held me even though I know he is crumbling inside too.
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